with you, Lee. You are Lee Wolak. We are just finishing your seminar so we take a
little bit of off time to share inspiration. Just a little bit, can you
introduce you, who you are and what you do? And to be able to know who you are.
- [Lee] Yeah, my name is Lee Wolak and I'm
the senior and founder minister of the Agape Center for Spiritual Living in
Fresco, Texas. I was a typical American, went through the American dream, went
through the corporate ladder all the way up to the level of a vice president. Found
at that time it wasn't my calling and I. Found my inner soul, my inner being and I
decided it was time to go back to school and I went back to school at the age of
54, got a Master's degree in Consciousness Studies and then became a minister.
And
then in 2009, I started the Agape Center for Spiritual Living and it's my heart's
dream right now. I'm married and got a couple of boys. - Yeah. I have many questions to ask you
just before to focus on the couple.
I. Would love to know because a lot of people
are struggling to find their purpose. According to you, how can we do to find
our purpose? - I think John Demartini is the greatest
example when he says, "Know your values." I spent a lot of time in my job asking
people, "What do you value? What turns you on? What really juices you?" They don't
know. So they aimlessly float through life.
I found that when I understood what
my values are, my top five then I'm able to focus all of my attention on that and
nothing else distracts me. And then I'm living into my passion. - And you know some people, they
understand the principle of the value but they are struggling to say, "Is it my
value or is it that?" How do we know our values? - Well, I think the best way is to see
what does your heart tell you? - Yeah? - I use heart math at times and I ask
myself to question and I say, "What does my heart want to do?" And I listen to my
heart and not my mind because my mind will rationalize, my mind is influenced by all
the things my parents have ever told me, what society is telling me. And so that's
not Lee.
But my heart, when I say, "Do you want to be a minister?" My heart said,
"yes." Do you want to have your own center? My heart said, "yes." I could
remember when I was 20 years old and I met my wife and three months into the
relationship I said, "Do I want to marry her?" My heart said, "yes." Now that was
against everything a man of 20 would have wanted to do; you didn't want to get
married at 20. You wanted to play the field. But my heart said yes and I just
followed that. - Okay.
Some people, they have many things
they love. They say, "I would love to be an actor, I would love to be an
entrepreneur, " they have many dreams. So it's like the heart are connected to
different things and they are struggling to make a choice and say that, "I have to
start with that now." What do you advice? - One step at a time. Just start moving in
the direction.
It doesn't matter which one you choose, but if you're moving in the
direction of it, realize that life never ends. It's a constant journey. And as long
as you're moving in the direction of what you want, everything comes into play. I
think one of John's favorite affirmations that I've adopted is the idea that "I'm
always in the right place at the right time to meet the right people to further
my vision." And when you embody that, you just automatically know the right people,
everything is going to come into place and it does.
- Yeah. We are learning together the work
of John. He's talking a lot about the vision. So what do you write down if you
have many things you want to do about your vision? For example, let's say that I want
to write who I will be in one year and what I will do in one year but I have many
possibilities and I don't know how to choose.
How can I do that? - I would say as opposed to write, for me,
what do I want to feel? What do I want to feel in one year? And how can I multiply
that feeling? Understanding that I'm going to be growing into it. And then as I'm
going along and I'm putting down what's my goal for the year, will the feeling allow
me to go and get that goal? Now if I don't hit that goal, I don't get upset because
I've gone all the time with the feeling I've chosen. And I think we've gotten to
the idea where we want to accomplish something material but we forget it's the
journey and that journey is about feeling and being present in every moment. And if
I'm present like I'm present with you as we're talking right now, nothing in the
world matters.
I am living my joy right at this moment. - Yeah, and how do you do that? Because
some people they understand that it's important to be present, they understand
that we can feel gratitude, but they are like blocked by their emotion. For
example, let's imagine that someone is looking at us, what do you advice to train
yourself to be present? - The first thing I would tell the person
is you've got to get a meditation practice. I said, "One of the things that
happens, meditation allows you to slow the mind down," and I like to teach it buys
you three seconds.
So that if something happens in your life and you've been
meditating, you've got three seconds. So instead of reacting, you respond. And so
I've come up with a simple mediation that's very easy. I do four minutes of
alternate nostril breathing.
- Can you show? - Alternate nostril breathing is I simply
take my finger cover one nostril, I. Breathe in for about six seconds, I hold
it, I cover the other nostril and I. Release. Now I breathe in.
- Four minutes? - Yes. Back and forth, four minutes.
You're breathing in one nostril, breathing out the other. Breathing in and breathing
out the other. What that does, you'll notice that any time of the day, one
nostril is always more dominant than the other and by doing the alternate nostril,
you become centered.
- You are balancing. - You're balancing, exactly. And then once
you balanced, I go through and I do a simple mantra for 10 minutes. One is, "I
am not my body, I have a body.
I am not my mind, I have a mind." And I just repeat
that over and over because what I'm trying to do is I'm trying to understand within
my own being that this body and this mind that I'm thinking through is not all of
me, but there's a higher power and presence, a sole presence that I am. And
when I understand that, I realize that from my soul, I create my mind and body.
So this is the power, not my mind and body. So I'm detaching from the physical
senses and I'm putting that three seconds of possibility there so that my soul
chooses, my soul is actually the observer. And my mind and body are the play that I'm
creating.
And so when I do that for 10 minutes, I really start to put who's in
charge of my life. Then after that, I go through another one, I go "I live in
gratitude and I see the perfection of all life." So for 10 minutes, I'm there
thinking about everything I've experienced. I allowed gratitude in my
heart to open and I'm grateful for everything, not just the good but
everything because everything is what's causing me to be a greater person. And in
that, I'm also again seeing the balance of life.
And then after that 10 minutes, I
sit in silence and I listen. - Inside? - Yeah. And in that moment, something may
come, sometimes incredible insights come, or maybe just... - So you are not trying to avoid your
thinking.
So you let the process. - I just let the process but I'm not
attached to whatever thought comes in. I. Think the key thing where people mess up
is that they become attached to the thought and they start building another
thought and then another thought on it.
No, when that thought comes in, don't be
attached to it. Just let it go by, just observe it, just observe those thoughts
going by. This way, it's like life, when things come to you, you observe them,
you're not reacting, you're not invested in them. So, the mind use of meditation is
simply a smaller way of conditioning yourself to live in life every day.
- It's great. It is a great introduction
for the next topic. Let's talk about your couple because you are married for 46? - Forty-two and a half years. - Forty-two and a half years, and what is
your secret to do that? - Well, the first thing is, I'll share it
with you, I got married at the age of 21 and people ask me, "Well, why did you
marry this woman? Why did you marry Jean?" And I look at them and say, "It was for
lust." There was no other thing.
I'm a 20 year old man, 21 years and I'm getting
married. She was a beautiful woman. She made me feel good and it was purely
lustful. The blessing was, my soul, my inner being saw good qualities in her.
And
so what I found is relationship is a journey. And I'm not going to say there's
not rocks in the middle of the road, there are. I think at year seven and eight, I
went through that thing where, "Should I. Be in this relationship? Is there someone
better than me?" And I remember my mother saying, "Ask this question: Will anyone
else give you as much freedom as your wife? And will anyone else be a better
mother to the children you desire to have?" And when I just paused and I
reflected on it, I realized that my greatest value was freedom.
And yet I
still wanted to be a father. That was my second highest value at that time. And I
looked at them and I said, "Jean meets all of those." So I canceled that out and then
we rebuilt our relationship. I think what really happened is once you understand
your values, you have to fall in love with yourself.
The key to any relationship is
to fully fall in love with yourself because until you fall in love with
yourself, you cannot fall in love with another. And the only way we can do that,
because people have missed ideas of what this thing of love is. What I consider
love is, love is when you accept yourself as you are. You do not judge yourself.
You
don't beat yourself up. You don't want to be like something else, you want to be
totally, authentically yourself. But you've also taken the time to identify
your values and you've committed your life to something magnificent that is going to
be expanding and growing. So inside, everything you do is about supporting
yourself and growing yourself to be the highest you.
Once you become that, and
that's what it is, you become an energy. When you start doing these things, doing
affirmations, walking your talk, living it, meditating on it, visualizing it,
forgiving yourself, you do all of these things you create an energy that exudes
from you. And that energy that you exude attracts to you. That's how you create
your relationship with others.
And then once that person comes into your life, you
have to do exactly what you've done with yourself and that is, you have to accept
your partner as they are, you're not in judgment of them, you're learning what
their values are so you can support and help grow them. I'd like to throw this in
when you're in a couple. It's important, support and growth. Those are important
things, accept them, those are important things.
You've got to have fun. You've got
to laugh, you've got to be spontaneous. You're here to experience life together,
not to go through the drudgeries, "Oh, I've got to sort this and I got to do
this." No, have fun, laugh your butt off. Do crazy things.
Go to an amusement park,
get on a roller coaster and go screaming with your hands in the air like a little
girl. And it's the greatest spiritual practice. I will share with you then, when
we're working with a partner, you have an idea of what your partner is, what you
want. And I would say, "What is it you most desire from that partner? What is it
that you need the most?" And then ask them that, "What do they need back from you?"
And once you have that, form some agreements.
So my wife and I have five
agreements. The first one is that when we tell our partner that we desire to be
first, they come first no matter what. So in any situation, if Jean says to me,
"Lee, I want to be first today." Whatever she wants, she comes first, or I do the
same back to her. So that's number one.
Number two is we always ask for what we
want when we want it, so there's no hidden agenda. I mean, I always know what she
wants because she tells me. If she doesn't tell me I don't have to make any
assumptions. There's no guessing games.
The third one is we have an agreement that
we're going to raise children together and how we're going to raise those children.
The fourth one is, how are we going to handle money? Because that's an important
thing, that's one of the major things that couples face. How are we going to deal
with money? Let's come to an agreement that we're going to work, in a framework
that can be changed but for right now, this is our agreement. And the fifth one
is, we're only going to have physical relations with each other. You see, once
you've come to those agreements which Jean and I have for ourselves and everyone's
will be different so these are not the set ones, everyone will come to their own, now
you've got freedom because I can do anything anywhere as long as I honor those
five agreements.
I can be with anyone, do anything as long as I'm honoring those
five agreements, that's freedom. So whenever I'm doing something, I never
regret Jean because I've committed to her and the relationship and it's based on
these things. And then again, fun. You've got to have fun.
- Okay, two questions. First one is how do
you find... I can see some couple they are together from 10 years, 20 years, 30 years
and they are struggling to find fun because they believe they know perfectly
their husband or wife. How do you find fun after 20 years? - Start all over.
You go to your partner,
you say "Let's wipe the slate clean. Let's start the whole thing over. We've got a
relationship, we've got a comfort level with each other, let's rediscover
ourselves. So we've been together for 20 years, let's go on a date." Set up a date
where you're going to a nice dinner, just the two of you, or going to the park,
wherever it is and sit down and you sit down, "Okay, tell me everything about
yourself.
Tell me what your dreams are right now. Tell me what you're frustrated.
Tell me everything about yourself." And then you take your turn and you share with
them. And then you sort of say now, "How can we be together and support? How can I
support you? I think one of the greatest lessons my sons have taught me is that I
used to use the word, "How can I help you?" And I found that was a very
disempowering word. I remember when I was dealing with one of my boys and I said,
"How can I support you?" It changed our relationship forever because when you're
supporting someone, you're saying "I see that you have the power, I see that you
have it in you.
I'm just going to be there and allow you to be your magnificence."
And so as a couple, when you're exploring again, you start to say, "Okay, how can I
support you?" And you can't judge it, you're supporting them. You're not going
to control them. You're not giving them advice, you're supporting them. And the
next thing, you ask them, "What is it that you really want to do that's fun? What
haven't we done?" Now in my relationship and I find in any relationship, one is
more adventurous than the other.
Well the adventurous one ought to ask the one who's
not "Is there something we really haven't done?" Because they may have something
they've just not shared. But otherwise, then it's up to the one who's the creative
one, go find something then say, "Come with me. We're going to have a surprise."
And you just do it. And it just starts happening.
So you're literally recreating
the dating process where it's, infatuation, indifference, resentment. So
you start infatuated, right? And after a while you become bored so you become a bit
indifferent. And if that stays too long, you start getting resentful. What do you
have to do then? You have to recreate it back to infatuation.
And then you keep
that creative process going so the relationship as you go down and then up
and down then go up, the relationship is moving up, you see? It's not going flat,
it's not going down it's actually moving up because you're not allowing yourself to
disintegrate. I also like to think that if you have a line going in the direction of
what you want, you can have points higher than or way lower than. I call that like a
manic relationship where you go real high and then you go real low. If you're
sensitive to what your dreams are and your goals are, you can go this high and this
low and the highs and the lows are more balanced.
And that makes the relationship
go much easier. And for me I don't want a relationship that goes way to the high and
then way to the low. I'd rather sort of have my relationship... I forgot this,
this is so good.
My relationship is my home base. For me, this is my sacred space
from which I can go no matter what feel safe, feel loved, feel supported, be so
authentically me that I get recharged and I'm able to go in the world and do the
work that I do. - Great. - I also will say that with a couple, the
bedroom has two things that you do in it, three things.
You sleep, you affirm your
love, and you have physical gratification with your partner. There should be no TV,
there should never be an argument, there should never be serious discussions about
anything other than your connection with that partner. It becomes a sacred place
and in that sacred place, you know that when you enter that room, you've created
that energy and that energy is always there. So as you walk in, everything else
falls away.
- So, let's imagine that you start to have
a kind of conflict in the bedroom, you leave? - You leave the bedroom because you've got
an agreement, the bedroom is sacred. - Okay. A lot of my clients who tell me,
"Yes, I understand, David but my husband or my wife is not like me. He's not
involved in the self-help world and he doesn't want to speak like me.
He doesn't
want to ask questions." And what I. Understand in what you are saying that you
are playing together the game like what we are doing with Julie. But what are your
advice with someone who says, "I am married now 15 years and then at the
beginning we were not doing that and I'm starting to do that but not my wife or not
my husband." What do you suggest? - I will probably say to them is that the
relationship that you have today is a reflection of the person that you are,
because if you go back to where I started, the person that you become puts out an
energy and attracts to you. Well your partner is mirroring who you are.
So I
would say to that person, "Let's look at you and let's recreate you." So I would
say to that person, "You want a better relationship with your wife or your
husband? You have to recreate yourself to be the person who would be living the
relationship you want and as you start to do the work on yourself, that will cause
change." It can't do anything else. It will either cause change or that person
will leave. But the whole idea is, always be focused on loving you. And that's not
narcissistic, that's really about seeing the god-self, remembering the god-self,
being the god-self, being non-judgmental, being authentic, being accepting, being of
service.
- Okay, so what you mean is before to
wonder if you have to leave the person or not, work on yourself and if it's the
right person for them now, the person will change and you will feel it, and if it's
not the case, the other person will leave? - Yes. - So you don't have to leave, it's what
you mean? - Yes. I will qualify what I said. If you
are being abused, physically or deeply emotionally abused, get out.
But if it's
not that, it's just more like a boredom and things like that, things aren't just
going right, work on yourself. Because no matter what, you win. - Okay, when you were specifying about the
fact that she or he can be abused, is it because all of that the change inside
starts to reflect on the person? - Yes. No question about that.
But why I'm
saying that is if there's a possibility of harm to you, you want to get out. But if
you don't feel that you're going to be harmed, you have to start saying, "Okay,
if I feel I'm being verbally abused, " I. Don't believe physical abuse should ever
enter into a relationship. But if it's verbal abuse, you have to say, "Why am I
taking that personally? Because if I love myself, if I know who I am, it doesn't
matter what anyone else says.
But if I'm not self-loving, and that person says
something and I'm hurt... - You will be attached.
- I'm attached. - Yeah. So what you say is what you are
feeling and you attachment about what the person is saying to you is a kind of
indicator, or a signal? How do you say? Can I say indicator?
- Yes.
- Is an indicator of who you are today and
what you can improve? - Yes, always. And the great thing is,
you're never going to get it done. So you can't get it wrong. So you just keep going
everyday.
And when you make a mistake, "Oh, well. Next move." So it's always a
progression, it never stops. And it requires persistence and consistency.
That's where most people fail, whether it's in business, whether it's in physical
fitness, whether it's making money. People know what to do but they're not persistent
and consistent with their actions.
- Okay. How do you manage and what do you
advice to manage fantasy because I imagine that in 42 years, you met some women. How
do you manage fantasy about the fact that you are meeting a woman and you don't know
her and she can look as perfect in the fantasy because you know your wife from
maybe 20 years, how did you manage that and what do you advice? - Well, as a man I can only speak from a
man's perspective, I can't speak from a woman's. But from a man's perspective, yes
you're going to look and yes it's going to be exciting.
And I remember when I got
married, my wife said to me, she said, "Lee I don't care where you go, where you
get your appetite as long as you come home for dinner." So yes you're going to look,
but you realize that's just the flesh. That's just the being, you don't know what
that person is but you know with your wife you have a deep connection, you see? And
it goes back to what your agreement, you made an agreement that you would have
physical relations with that person. And let's take it even further, a lot of times
if you're looking and you're getting serious about taking an action, it means
something's not right at home. And people have to then reevaluate what is their sex
values? What are their values on sex? I.
Get a lot of these questions as a
minister. I have women come to me talk to me, "I wish I could have more." I've got
men coming to me say, "I wish I could have more." And I find that what happens is
people don't ask. They don't simply look at their partners and say, "I'd like to
increase my sex life." What would that look like for you? How can we as a couple
become more intimate? I was asked this question by a group of ministers before I
became one. And they said, "What would you tell someone about this idea of sex?" And
I said, "I would probably say it like this, is there a physical act between two
people that gives you greater physical pleasure than the union of the body?"
Well, no.
When you have sex with a partner, are you not liking them? You're
really not mad at them, you really like them. After you've had sex, how do you
feel? Is the act of physical union in sex with someone you love, is that as close to
spirituality as you can get on the human plane? Yeah, because it's creative energy.
How do you sleep after you have sex? Great. How do you wake up after sex?
Great. So the question I ask them is "Why wouldn't you do that every day?" I'm not
saying it's the right answer, but it's an answer that seems to work for me.
And I
think a lot of times people get bored but what they don't understand is there's
always a greater joy you can experience with your partner if you open up to it. It
can be as simple as this: looking into your partner's eyes while you're making
love to them, because not only have you opened up your physical body, but your
souls are connected through the eyes. There's no deeper, deeper connection than
two humans can have. - It's great.
I have just two last
questions. One, I would love to know what do you think for example, let's imagine
that John is talking a lot about his couple and the fact that he's not doing a
lot of sex in his life. Let's imagine that his wife wants to have sex maybe daily and
it can be hard with someone who, like John. So what do you think? - I think then that individual would have
to go to their partner and have a discussion.
They'd have to ask for what
they want when they wanted it. Now, if that's not in the values of one person,
that they don't desire that, then they have to decide where is that on my value?
So if that woman had that desire to have sex and it was like, let's say a one or
two priority in their life, and on the other person, it's not even a top five,
then she may have to say, "You know, if we can't change this, then maybe we have to
have a different relationship." - You have to delegate. - It's a possibility. It depends what are
the two people willing to commit to.
I. Don't know that there's a right way or
wrong way. - But they have to speak. - They have to find a way that they can be
together where both of their needs are being met.
- So you are saying that you don't have
to, how do you say in English? You don't have to...
- Be monogamous? - Avoid your desire. - No, you don't have to avoid your desire,
you have to speak your desire and ask your partner for it and then you make a
decision. Is this going to work for me or not? - And a lot of time in couple for example,
there is the frontier between desire and doing something to feel that I'm an
important person is narrow. What I mean is, I have a client in France and
sometimes he wants to have sex not for the sex itself but because when he have sex
for him it's like "I am loved by her." You know what I mean? So maybe you need less
sex if you are loving yourself.
- Exactly. Who was it? Napoleon Hill in
Think And Grow Rich said, all of these people that he interviewed that were the
wealthiest, wealthiest, wealthiest people in the world transmuted that sexual desire
when they wanted to and put it into what they create. Because sexual energy is that
creative energy. And if you're self-loving, and you have a partner and
you have an agreement, well let's say it's once a week.
Well, on those other six
days, channel that energy into your creativity, into those things that matter
the most. You won't miss the physical then. - Okay. I love the book Think and Grow
Rich.
Can you explain how we can transmute sexual energy for people? Let's
imagine that someone they don't know at all the work of... - Napoleon Hill. - Napoleon Hill and he's discovering the
self-help world and he just understand, "I. Have to transmute my sexual energy." How
can you explain that? - I would probably say if there is someone
who loves, let's say his job is to build video games.
And he really gets in that. I
would say "Put your energy into more creativity and building video games.
Really immerse yourself into something that really excites you and brings you
joy." There are things for me, it could be going for a hike up a mountain. Going and
walking on the beach. - So what it means is investing your time,
your energy on something you love.
- Yes. - And it will transmute itself? - Exactly, exactly. - Okay. So for example, the person wants
to have sex and he can replace it with something he loves in his highest value? - Because the key thing is to build the
idea that sexual energy is not just sex energy, it's creative energy.
Now, you get
to be the one who chooses where you put it and how you use it. And see in that way
you're not depriving this but you're saying, "I've got this creative energy
over here. Now I'm going to use it for this today." Now, tomorrow I might use it
with my partner. And then use what's left over for this.
But today I'm taking all of
that energy and I'm putting it into this thing, what I love. - My last question is for you what is the
difference, not what is the difference. I. Would love to hear you about what you
think between having sex and making love? Do you see what I mean? And in the 42-year
relationship, what do you advice? - I'll say there are days when I make love
to my wife, there are days when we just have sex.
Making love for me is the idea
that when I'm there, I'm fully present with my partner. I don't see anything
else. Nothing else is on my mind. And my total purpose is for her to feel good.
It
has nothing to do with me. I am actually in a way of being of service to her. And
so my thing is let's lift her energy as high as we can, be so present with her so
that together we have the most phenomenal experience. That to me is making love.
But
also making love is sitting across from the dinner table, looking her in the eye
and just simply seeing her beauty. Making love to me is also watching her create a
phenomenal dinner or watching how she goes and does her job and excels in her job.
Watching her just simply polish her own nails or whatever. It's simply making love
is just seeing her as perfect. - Yes.
So your last question. I have a lot
of questions. I had a different discussion with men, especially in my example. And
they told me that they don't see, physically I mean, they don't see
physically their wife the same way they saw her the first day.
And it was like a
conversation because they were conscious and they were aware about the difference.
But what is your secret to be able to see the beauty of your wife after 42 years? - It's how you use your mind. So you can
imagine with 42 years of marriage, we don't look the way we looked when we were
young. - I can imagine. - I tend to be more physically conscious.
I weigh the same thing I weighed when I.
Was 20. I've not really changed other than
my body does look a little different because gravity does do some things to it.
My wife has had fluctuations. So I'm fully aware of where you're going on this. And
so my wife when I met her would look incredible in a bikini, incredible.
Looked
a lot like Julie, a lot like Julie, not quite as long hair but a lot like her.
Today my wife is not the same. By standards, if I were young, I would not
look at her. But the key thing is it's not about what she looks like, it's who she is
and when she's with me, what is her presence? Because from the male point of
view, when you're making love, it doesn't matter whether you're big or small, short
or tall, you're making love. Close your eyes and be present.
And when you're
present, you're not judging. When you're not judging, you won't have this problem. - Okay. It's a great end.
Do you have some
things to share? - I'm good. I just want to tell people
life is supposed to be fun. Understand that you're going to have ups and downs
and accept them. But set your goal, really be clear on your goal and just move at it.
Just go for it.
You've got nothing to lose. We're here to live and to experience
this life. - Great. How can people follow you? - They can look up Lee Wolak, W-O-L-A-K.
They can go to YouTube, they can go the web and find me.
Or they can go to Agape,
A-G-A-P-E, CSL.Com. And if they go there, they'll find like 250 videos on every
topic you can imagine. They can sign up and get a daily thought that I write every
morning and know that I'm there to help them no matter how that might be. - Great.
Thank you very much. - Thank you. [Music] .
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